3 Steps To Help You Grow In Confidence And Assertiveness

A question I often face as a career coach is - “How can I appear more confident?” It comes up not only in my coaching sessions with clients but also as a topic that many HR professionals, training organisations and media publications are interested in.

This is a summary of an article that first appeared in Sassy Mama Hong Kong in January 2020. It has since been updated/edited.

Identifying areas where you lack confidence

Let me start with a personal anecdote. There was one moment in my life that is forever etched in my memory.

I was eight years old and I had just given my first oral presentation in Dutch (my second language) in primary school. I remember my voice trembling and to this day I can still see the underwhelmed look on the faces of my classmates. I felt so embarrassed that I hoped the ground would open up and swallow me.

That was probably when my confidence in public speaking took a massive knock! This fear was so great it stopped me from asking questions or making comments during lectures at university and I would always beat myself up about this afterwards.

It’s taken me years to overcome this and to build my confidence, and assertiveness. It’s only as that started happening that I could truly believe that I deserved more (be it better marks, recognition or personal satisfaction).

Now while this is not always restricted to women, it is, unfortunately, an issue that seems to affect women far more than men. While I am willing to work with and coach any client, no matter the gender, who would like to tackle confidence issues, for now, let me focus on what often happens with women.

What can you do to tackle this lack of confidence?

I realised I needed to Give, Do and Ask more. This is the mantra for almost anyone looking for more money, better opportunities or greater acknowledgement. Here’s what you need to do:

1. Give

According to the authors of How Women Rise, one of the things that hold women back in their careers (and one can argue that it’s true of their life, in general) is the so-called “Disease to Please”. This implies that women tend to give a lot more than they ask for in return. This is even more true for mothers, with studies showing that the vast majority of domestic and childcare duties are performed by women (even if they are also working). Why then am I suggesting that women give more than they already do? Because they need to learn to give themselves credit for all they do and value what they bring to the table. Being confident has a lot to do with feeling “worthy”. So, if you notice that you exhibit a lack of confidence even with familiar groups (family, friends or colleagues), here’s how you can correct that.

Suggested activity: 

Write a list of all the things that you are competent at and confident of doing, that have value-add for people (for example, connecting people, cooking, driving, coordinating activities, etc.).

This will help you understand in what ways people benefit from their relationship with you (instead of expecting or waiting for others to recognise your worth). An awareness of the value you add can also significantly enhance your confidence when meeting new people. Knowing what you have to give is especially useful when you meet those who might want something from you (for example, at a job interview or at a networking event).

2. Do

If you take a look at my phone screenshot above, you’ll see just what I mean by “doing”. Around the time that I was writing this article for the publication in Hong Kong, I was also involved with coaching sessions for clients, developing my own online career breakthrough courses, etc. A lot of it involved me speaking to the camera. Remember what I mentioned about my dread for public speaking? Well, I had to do it and appear confident while doing so!

Although I still feel nervous about public speaking, there have been many times when I have accepted half a dozen opportunities to speak at events over a few months. This confidence did not just appear out of thin air. Becoming a confident speaker has taken years of me taking up opportunities to do it. To manage my nerves, I make sure that I take as much time as possible to prepare. I also record myself practising my presentation 10, 20 or even more than 30 times before most speaking engagements (that’s me above not being able to get beyond 12 seconds at times!). If you are really keen to gain confidence, you may also have to do more in terms of investing your time, energy and/or money.

Suggested activity: 

Look again at the list you created of things that you recognise you are good at doing. If you reflect on what it took for you to get to this stage, you will probably see that you got better at doing most of these things by doing them over and over again.

Are there things you once felt confident about, but now lack the confidence to do? If so, and if they are things that matter to you, think about what you need to invest to regain that self-assurance. Identify and take the first step within the next 24 hours to start (re)building your confidence in a chosen area of your life.

Note: 

Sometimes our lack of confidence is due to our overly high standards or our desire for perfection. In Lean In, Sheryl Sandberg tells women to stop trying to find the “perfect” way of having both a fulfilling personal life and a successful career and instead, focus on doing what is important and sustainable in the long run. Eliminating the pressure of doing everything right can help you complete and enjoy the things you choose to do.

3. Ask

Finally, if people don’t know what you want, they can’t give it to you. Getting things not only requires the confidence to ask, but to ask clearly, assertively and without apology. You need to ask for and be open to accepting what you are worthy of.

When clients tell me that someone did not meet their expectations, often what strikes me is how rarely they had explicitly specified what these expectations were. Instead, they seem to assume that the other person should “know”. It is very important to remember that our standards are not necessarily the same as those of others. What you think you deserve to get in return for what you do may not be what others believe you should get. Be specific about what you want in return for what you do. For example, if you are expecting to be paid for a piece of work that a friend or acquaintance asked you to do, make it clear from the very beginning. It is much easier to discuss the terms and conditions before you do the work, rather than having to go back after you have completed it.

Suggested activity: 

Now look again at your list of personal value adds. Are there things you feel that you are not adequately rewarded for? How would you like to be rewarded and have you ever asked for this reward? If not, practice asking for what you want out loud and in the mirror. Do it a couple of times until you feel more comfortable hearing yourself saying it, then ask the relevant person for what you want.

It’s never too late to start building your confidence by raising your own awareness about what you have to give, doing more and asking for more.

Originally posted on Sassy Mama Hong Kong , 14 January, 2020